I messed up with an autistic kid…
I messed up with an autistic kiddo recently.
Actually, let’s call it what it really was… a slip-up.
I forgot to take my own advice… the advice I share with you all the time.
I forgot to pause.
I forgot to wonder why.
I forgot that actions and behaviour makes the most sense when we see it through the lens of felt safety.
Here’s what happened:
I was supporting an autistic child at their home after school. We were playing in the living room. He turned off the lights, and we happily played that way for a while.
But then it came time for me to leave.
And he desperately didn’t want the lights back on.
And what did I do?
Well, I dove straight into fixer mode.
Both his parent and I jumped into explaining and convincing.
“We need the lights on so I can find my toys!”
“It’s dark, I could trip!”
“It’s time for me to leave, because another kid is waiting for me”
Were those valid points? Absolutely. That’s a safety need too… my own!
But the more we tried to convince him with logic, the more upset and dysregulated he became. Making the whole situation even trickier to navigate,
leaving me spiraling into a dysregulated state as well.
Because I’d missed an important step:
I did not pause to consider his sense of safety.
I never asked why the lights being off mattered so much to him.
Was it gentler on his sensory system at that moment?
Did the darkness feel soothing after a long day?
Did he need a few more minutes of connection before I left?
Did the sudden “end” of our game feel like too much to move past?
I’ll never know, because I didn’t ask.
I dove straight into convincing
to GIVE him information
rather than first seeking to GET information.
So here’s what this situation reminded me about:
All behaviour (both his and mine) is rooted in a nervous system wired for “safety first.”
For him, lights-off may have been his body’s way of saying, “I feel better this way.”
For me, problem-solving was my nervous system saying, “I need to leave safely and on time.”
Both are valid. Both matter.
But when I can lead with curiosity and connection first, we can meet both safety needs instead of clashing over them.
What would have changed for this child, for this whole interaction, if we had taken a moment to stop and consider his perspective?
To ask him.
To show that I valued his voice.
So this is a reminder to myself
To ‘Wonder Why’:
to get more information from the child before jumping into “fixer” mode
There is so much value to starting from a lensing of curiosity.
_____
Your turn to reflect:
Think about a time when you felt yourself jump into “fixer” or “convincer” mode with a student.
What might their nervous system have been trying to protect or communicate?
What might your own nervous system have been trying to protect?
How could pausing to “wonder why” have shifted that moment for both of you?
Maybe, just maybe you needed this reminder too.
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